Truth Blog

Truth Blog - Futility

I’ve decide it might be interesting to emerge from the introversion of my previous posts, and offer up some truth for you, the reader:

There are an infinite number of paths for you to follow in your life. Judge them how you will, but know that all of them are equal in their futility.

Striving for happiness is futile. No doubt, whatever it is that’ll make you happy, you don’t already have it. If you do ever get it, you’ll begin on the inevitable path of diminshing enjoyment of it, until eventually it means nothing to you at all. Then you’ll desire something different, and so the cycle will continue in its futile glory.

Goals, ambition, purpose etc…all completely futile. The odds are against you or I ever reaching any significant goal, or making any kind of noteworthy achievement. But even if we did, it’ll be at worst totally ignored, and at best eventually forgotten.

Fear is futile. At worst there’s nothing you can do about what you fear, so you might as well get used to it, at best what you fear wasn’t worth fearing at all, and your emotional investment in it was completely wasted.

Love is futile. Either the love itself will disperse over time, or the loved entity will. Thus it is futile.

Perfection is unattainable and therefore futile. Half-heartedness is equally as futile. Joy is futile, sadness is futile.

Inaction is, quite obviously, futile. As are apathy, disconnection and suicide.

The list goes on.

There is a lesson you could learn from all this. Obviously it’s a futile lesson, but for the sake of my own temporary and futile amusement, I’ll give it to you anyway:

Every second that goes by we descend further into entropy. There’s no stopping it. Very little matters right now, but eventually nothing will. As such, there’s no better time to do something, or stop doing something, than now.

Quit believing your own bullshit. If there’s something in your heart that makes you want to get up in the morning, don’t starve it by doubting it, over-analysing it, or, worst of all, ignoring it.

Don’t buy the lie that anything you do or don’t do will ever matter. If you want to do something, or you don’t want to do something, that’s the best reason you’ll ever find to do it or to not do it, so be satisfied with that and act accordingly.

Conclusion: futility is all everything there is. It is inevitable, unchangable and everlasting. It’s as certain as the sun rising in the morning, and setting in the evening - though the sun too will eventually burn out and turn back into the useless cloud of dust from which it came.

Time for some audience participation: please utilise the comment space below to answer this question:

What is the purpose of your life? In context of the futility and purposelessness pointed out above, how do you justify this purpose?

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Truth Blog - Body Language

When I started a new job once, I was very conscious of creating a good first impression amongst the other staff. I’d recently watched a video about how to appear like a calm, confident and attractive male through body language. So I used technqiues, though possibly in excess. I have no idea whether doing it helped or harmed me in appearing ‘cool’. Maybe it’s a lame thing to do, but I don’t critise myself for trying. After all, I do want to appear calm, confident and attractive. Is using body language to project those things any different to dressing in a way that projects those things?

Confused? This explains it: http://truthblog.tumblr.com/

Truth Blog - Observations

I was thinking about different things I could post here the other day, and at the time I rejected a few ideas on the basis that readers might not be interested, and that they might find those ideas a little dull and disappointing compared to other things I may have posted. It occured to me that I was starting to see this blog as just another way of manipulating opinion about myself. I was starting to like the idea of being “that guy that writes weird, confronting things on his facebook page”. Which totally undermines the purpose of doing it in the first place.

It amused me just how cunning my ego could be.

Confused? This explains it: http://truthblog.tumblr.com/

Truth Blog - Mimicking

Sometimes when I hang out with people from a different socio-economic background to me, or from a different cultural background from me, or who identify with a different sub-culture to me, I find myself ‘mimicking’ them, both their behaviour and their perception of the world.

For example, if I’m with some bogans, I might use more slang than I normally would in conversation, and suddenly identify more with working class values.

I see other people do this allot as well.

I could justify this behaviour by saying “I just want to make them feel comfortable”, or “I just want create rapport with them”. Which is true. But the other way to look at it is that I’m doing it because I need the validation of their approval.

In any case, it’s lying. The personality I’m projecting to them is not my own, but an on-the-spot, custom made hybrid of my own and what I’ve perceived to be theirs.

I think it’s okay to do it so long as their is a specific strategic purpose which I’m honest with myself about. But I do it automatically and for no other reason than to be liked, I’m watering down my own unique identity, which is a shame for myself and for those I’m hanging with.

Confused? This explains it: http://truthblog.tumblr.com/

Truth Blog - What I Do

I suspect that most of my friends, and pretty much all of my family, would have little idea of what exactly it is that I “do”. I want to clear that up, as this honesty kick isn’t just about revealing things that I’m ashamed of, but also things I’m proud of. And I -am- proud of what I do. But for various reasons, I’ve never really been straight about it with most people.

Whenever I meet someone new, or catch-up with someone I haven’t seen in a while, they inevitably ask me what I do, or what I’m doing. I tend to give them an over-simplified version of the truth, or I liberally cut bits of it out. Admittedly it is hard to explain to someone what I do in under half an hour, but I think a big part of the reason I’ve done that is because I’ve been afraid that if I told people the real ambitions and goals that I have, they would think they’re dumb, and that I’m silly for pursuing them.

So without further ado…what I do:

1. For money

I’m going to get rich. I’ve always known this, and I feel as certain about it now as I ever have, even though I’m 25 and still a “nobody” with no “real prospects”. I won’t be doing it with a job, I’ll be doing it with an enterprise of my own. I’m expecting I’ll be rich within 1 to 5 years.

To explain how I’m going to do this, and also to explain some of the seemingly strange things I’ve been doing since I left highschool 7 years ago, I’ll give you a bit of history.

After I left school, I started a music degree. I entertained the idea that I could be a professional composer and make money like that, but it eventually became clear that getting rich that way would take a very long time. I still loved music, so I didn’t quit, but I knew I’d have to find another way of reach my financial goal.

About half way through the degree, when I was 21, I read ‘Rich Dad, Poor Dad’ by Robert Kiyosaki. That was when I was introduced to the idea that employment was not a smart means of getting rich, but business was. But when I finished my degree, I wasn’t sure how I’d get a business started, or what sort I should start.

Robert also said in the book (or one of the sequels perhaps), that the 4 fundamental aspects of business are accounting, law, sales and marketing, and that an aspiring business person should know something about all of them. This made allot of sense to me, so I decided that I’d learn the four aspects, beginning with sales. That’s when I took my full-time job as a sales rep, where I worked for ten months. I left that job because I was sick of it (co-incidentally I also became redundant), not because I’d necessarily mastered sales. I did learn though that that would be the first AND last time that I’d ever give up forty hours of my week to anyone for any reason. If I did ever did get a full-time job again, it would be to raise money for a business idea, or if I was met by some unforseen crisis and was forced to. Or if I needed it to learn about something again.

I then got a part-time job at Dymocks, where I am now (kind of…), which would keep me alive, and allow me to get back to working on business ideas. But not long after I’d started that, I begin feeling lost and confused again, so I figured I’d be best to tackle the three remaining aspects rather than waste any more time. Since I figured there was no way I was going to get hands on experience in accounting, law and marketing, I decided I’d have to study them formally, hence my current B Commerce at Sydney Uni. I’ve been a little hesitant talking to friends and family about why I started doing this degree, as I figured since I’ve already done another degree that there’d be an implication that I was ‘lost’. Since I’m anything but lost, I was very uncomfortable with the label.

Anyway, I’ve recently figured out why I wasn’t able to get a business running before to start making my riches. It was’t that I didn’t know how to, or that I didn’t have the right “idea” (I always have had an endless supply of those….). It’s because up until now, I’ve been extremely poor at implementing these ideas. I’ve always thought that “knowledge is power”, and if I just learn enough about wealth that I was bound to wake up rich one day. Obviously that hasn’t happened. I’ve come to accept that knowledge is worthless, APPLIED knowledge is power, and that I’m going to have to start making these ideas HAPPEN if I want to get rich.

So I don’t know if I’ll finish the degree or not. It’s a means to an end, and if I can achieve that end without finishing it, then that’s what I’ll do. For example, right now, I’ve got impending exams, but I haven’t been studying because I’ve been busy setting up a website that I’m trying to make money from. To my fellow students that may seem stupid, but the fact is I know my priorities.

2. My real purpose

What I do doesn’t end with money. For me, money just represents freedom. Freedom to spend my time working on things that are actually important. For me, my gift and greatest passion is music. I love writing and producing and playing guitar and bass.

I’ve defintely had my ups and downs with it, I’ve even given it up a few times. In the last few years I’ve been so slack with writing, that recently when someone asked me to show them something I’d written, I gave them a listen to my four piano miniatures…which I wrote in 2003! The good news is I’m back on track with it (thanks to immense inspiration from ‘The Fountainhead’ by Ayn Rand, and to a lesser extent ‘Power vs. Force’ by David Hawkins), and am very excitedly preparing some new things to offer to the world.

Confused? This explains it: http://truthblog.tumblr.com/

Truth Blog - My Secret ‘Fascination’

Now we’re going to dig a little deeper. My screen of normality should be well and truly ABLAZE by the end of this one….

I have a ‘foot fascination’. That’s a term I’ve come up with myself, just a minute ago infact. I don’t think it’s a foot fetish, it’s something different. How so? Well I’ve seen foot fetish porn, and I don’t like it. And I’ve seen other stuff that foot fetishists are into (art and what not), and I don’t identify with it whatsoever. In fact I find it a bit scary.

My ‘fascination’ has actually got attributes of both a fetish and a phobia. The best way to explain it is with an analogy. Picture this: you’re in a change room, and a person of the same sex to you comes in (or of the opposite sex if you’re gay), and in the process of getting changed, becomes naked in front of you. You might take a tiny peek, right? Just for a second. It’s not that you -desire- to see their naked body, it’s not that you get a sexual buzz out of it per se, but there is a compulsion to look nonetheless. It’s more of a “hey, weird, check it out” kind of thing. I’d describe that as a ‘fascination’, and that’s how I feel, not by choice mind you, in respect to the foot.

I don’t know if anyone else anywhere in the world has this or not, or anything else comparable. I’ve never asked anyone about it, I’ve never inquired into it. Because it seems so unusual to me, it’s always been a source of great shame. I’ve always wanted it to go away and I’ve tried to ignore it, though unsuccessfully. Fortunately, it has become less noticable over the years.

Even though I don’t see it as a fetish, there -is- a sexual element. Go back to the change room scenario: this time it’s someone of your sexual preference getting undressed, and they’re very attractive. It’s not just a ‘fascination’ now, right? Kind of the same deal with the foot. Let me be clear though - I certainly prefer tits, ass and pussy, but there is still some thrill for me with feet if they’re attached to a hot body. But the context is very important - it needs to be natural. If it’s gratuitous in the way that the regular foot fetishist might like it, then it doesn’t interest me. Perhaps you’d describe it as a voyeuristic foot fetish. Fuck, that sounds weird!

So how did I develop such a thing? Well as you hopefully -wouldn’t- have noticed, I have a rather unsightly callous on my foot, mainly on and around the big toe. It’s been there for a long time, I think it started when I was about 8 years old. Yes, I’ve tried different shoes and various other remedies, but it won’t completely go away. Apparently it’s from the way I walk and is incurable. Anyway, because it’s mildly unsightly, I’ve always been uncomfortable with it, in the same way someone might be uncomfortable with any other injury, defect, abnormality etc on their body. I didn’t like people to see it (still don’t), so I guess that’s how the complex began and turned into what it is today.

If you’ve ever suspected that I’m a freak, now you can be sure.

Confused? This explains it: http://truthblog.tumblr.com/

Truth Blog - Paranoia

I had some weird issues in high school. Thank god I grew out of most of them, though in some cases I’m not sure I have. I remember I started in a new class in Year 8. I was so paranoid (and self-centred, obviously) that when some of the class were laughing at something in my direction, I immediately assumed it was me. I couldn’t figure out what it was, so I wiped my face thinking maybe my nose was running and that was the source of amusement, though it wasn’t. Stuff like this happened a few times. I really felt uncomfortable and out of place.

Confused? This explains it: http://truthblog.tumblr.com/

Truth Blog - Sexual Record

I’m sure it comes as no surprise that my sexual record is one of the first things I reveal here. So here goes…

I’ve slept with five different girls at the time of writing this. Two of them only once. All but one within the last nine months. I’ve probably tried to sleep with 100+ girls, but have either been stopped at the making out stage, or more commonly, have never even gotten that far. I’ve refused a few as well though.

At least one of the ones I slept with I did not because I particularly wanted to, but just to prove that I could - not so much as a self-esteem thing, but because I figured I’d get the practice in while I could. It was less enjoyable than masturbation.

It’d make me happy to say I’d slept with more…infact, screw the saying part, it’d make me happy to sleep with more! I’m confident that some day soon I’ll be able to say that I’ve slept with allot more, but I need to sort some shit out before that happens (no doubt you’ll read about that stuff sometime soon…hint: it’s linked to my low self-esteem). My skills with girls have always been poor, though they’ve improved allot lately.

While I’m at, I’ve made out with a few less-than-attractive chicks as well. Same as above: I did it because they were there and willing, and because I needed the validation. Anyone who’s done this will know that it’s pretty repulsive, and I can’t recommend it.

To conclude, I need to disclose that I tried manipulating words to make the above sound better than it is, but I forced myself to edit any bias out of it. I’m sure that’ll happen with allot of these posts. Obviously I would have prefered you thought better of me. I so don’t want to press ‘publish’….

Confused? This explains it: http://truthblog.tumblr.com/

Truth Blog - Crying

I haven’t cried in probably 15 years. I don’t actually remember the last time I cried, I just estimate it to be about that long.

I haven’t told this to anybody before, because I thought it made me sound like an emotionless freak. Truth is, it’s not because I’ve intentionally tried not to, I just haven’t. There have been a few close calls, admittedly - deaths, weddings and sad movies among them. The feeling crept up on me, but receded before I actually started weeping.

That said, I’ve cried with laughter many times, and when chopping onions, though I don’t think those count. I’ve also been nauseous with worry and fear on a few occassions. Perhaps crying would have helped - I guess I just didn’t think to do it at the time.

I can think of a few things that I’m almost certain would make me cry - here’s hoping they don’t happen, or at least no time soon.

Confused? This explain it: http://truthblog.tumblr.com/